he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
