: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
