ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
