If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He felt like a one man threesome
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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