Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
