Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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