Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
