I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
