I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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