before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
