forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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