My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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