chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
