Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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