Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
