Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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