Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
