i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
