i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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