I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
