My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
