So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
