You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
