I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
