on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
