I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize