This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I FOUND THE LEGS
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