he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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