took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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