think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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