I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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