I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
