he thought i was a dude.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
