I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
