i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
