Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
