apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Mom said you looked used
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
