I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
