Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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