got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
