There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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