but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You took a bar mat shot.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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