So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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