i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Holy sore nipples Batman
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
