I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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