Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
