just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Randomize
