Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
