I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
