I want to make a zoo with you.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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