I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
