I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
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