My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
