Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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