So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
